◊◊ Warranty ◊◊
Whereas you have purchased a replica of the Mercy Stone™ for the purposes of relieving tension, killing loved ones, and gaining inspiration,
WE HEREBY GUARANTEE:
That the replica you have purchased is pretty close to, but much smaller than the original Mercy Stone™.
Please be aware of the following: while the original Mercy Stone™ was over
a thousand years old your replica
is guaranteed to be at least two weeks old.
Maybe a month.
Also, while the
original Mercy Stone™ was made of actual marble and may have weighed up to eight pounds, the replica is light weight foam and is 1.3 ounces and is actually intended to relieve stress by squeezing it.
If you try to knock a person senseless with this replica there is a good chance you will only piss him or her off and he or she will attack and harm you.
Mercy Stone™ Inc. says you are on your own if this happens.
We guarantee that you can squeeze the replica at least 100,000 times. Well, we don’t guarantee thatyou can do it, we guarantee that the Mercy Stone™ is “good to go” for lots of squeezing.
There is a $7 postage and handling fee. You do not have to return the original replica. We will take your word and your $7 for a new one.
be guaranteed for 100,000 squeezes with the same free replacement offer.
We guarantee that using this replica will help you gain inspiration. If it does not we will replace it for free, but you still have to send us $7 for handling and postage.
You will be the sole judge as to your level of inspiration or enlightenment.
We also guarantee that if you manage to kill someone with the Mercy Stone™ replica you will probably go to jail and end up with a lethal injection, unless you live in Utah where you can be shot.
To date we have come up with three hypothetical ways of killing a loved one with the replica.
Drop the replica on your loved one’s head from a distance of about 2,000 feet.
Smash the replica repeatedly into the loved one’s face and or body. Because of the weight of the replica you will have to whack the above referenced loved one 100s of times.
Attempt to choke the Loved One with the replica. This is challenging since the replica is at least three times the size of most Loved One’s mouths.